Relationships are a two-way street, a give-and-take affair. Conversely, cracks in the foundation will begin to form once one partner shoulders most of the burden, much like what this wife did for her husband.
As a self-confessed people-pleaser, she had been his doormat for the years they’d been together. Their codependent marriage reached a crisis point when the woman began drawing the line and putting aside more time for herself.
But instead of acknowledging the problem, the husband began stonewalling, making her feel trapped . She has since turned to the Reddit community for possible answers.
One-sided marriages are bound to hit the rocks sooner or later
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For this married couple, the wife had been accommodating with her husband, to a fault
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She decided to set boundaries one day, to no avail
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People-pleasing in relationships can often backfire
The woman admitted to being a people-pleaser, something she said she only realized after going through therapy for nine months. In her mind, she was being accommodating to her husband’s needs, something that is expected from every doting spouse.
However, being the people-pleaser she acknowledged she was may have backfired on her. According to licensed clinical professional counselor Myron Nelson , catering to other people’s needs while completely neglecting your own is a form of dishonesty.
“When you spend a lot of time with someone who doesn’t talk about what they want and need, it’s hard to trust them because you don’t know if they’re saying what they actually think or what they think you want to hear,” Nelson stated.
Nelson went on to describe people-pleasing as a “misguided lie,” noting that there is a time and a place for it, namely during job interviews or hosting dinner parties.
Former educator and author Dr. Ronald Riggio points to low self-esteem and low self-efficacy as personality factors that lead to people-pleasing. One thing he advises against is conflict avoidance.
“Be determined to resolve the conflict, either through compromising—asking each party to give up something and meet ‘halfway’—or through striving for a win-win outcome through collaboration ,” he wrote.
But his number one tip, as most experts would, is to set boundaries. He particularly advises implementing a “three strikes and you’re out” rule because you must draw the line somewhere.
The wife had been doing her part in attending therapy and saying “enough is enough.” It is now up to the husband to address the problems from his end.
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