Parenting is already hard enough. A parent is someone who’s responsible for raising another person the best they can. And still, for some, life throws additional challenges, as if parenting itself wasn’t enough. For example, a neurodivergence disorder(s). What’s even worse, some neurodivergent parents don’t even get diagnosed with these disorders until way later (or, in some cases, even never), which can lead them to feel guilt and dissatisfaction over their parenting capabilities.
One such person is today’s story’s hero — a mom who came online to share her heartbreaking journey of being a parent who had undiagnosed ADHD and autism.
More info: TikTok
Recently, a mom of 4 came online to tell her story about what it was like to be a parent whose autism and ADHD weren’t diagnosed until way later in life, and the video quickly went viral
“Parenting with autism and ADHD, in my case, undiagnosed until late last year. I am 48 years old”
“ I have four children born in ’93, ’94, ’98, and Toren was born in 2007. There’s a nine-year gap between Toren and the next oldest sibling, and he’s the only one left at home.
“I have tried to make this video four times now, and I keep breaking down crying. I carry a lot of guilt and shame around my parenting journey, and I find it very difficult to talk about.”
“The first word that comes to mind when I think about my parenting journey is fear”
“ I was an anxious, terrified, nervous parent. I was never relaxed, I was never at ease, I was never confident. I ground my teeth flat from stress, developed multiple autoimmune diseases and thyroid conditions, and was diagnosed with clinical sleep deprivation from lying awake at night worrying about them.
“I believe that autism and ADHD affected every aspect of my parenting journey, and I believe being undiagnosed made it much worse. I believe if I had known I could have helped my children to understand, I could have sought therapies and help for myself to make it easier. I could have, in general, just have done a better job.
“Sound sensitivities were obviously a huge issue with three young children, Toren having come along later.”
“I was constantly overwhelmed by the noise and constantly trying to find a way to get away from it”
“Which obviously does not go well with parenting three young children.
“Touch sensitivity. I struggled intensely with having all three of them on me all of the time.”
“I would get so touched out and so overwhelmed and desperately need my space”
“B ut I would never do anything about it because I thought I was a terrible person if I did that. So, I just let it build up inside.
“Those types of sensitivities permeated every aspect of parenting, all the way back to pregnancy .”
“Being pregnant was an absolute nightmare for me. I didn’t feel the same bliss and joy that other women seemed to”
“I could not get used to the feeling of having it being inside of me. And it was extremely uncomfortable and almost unbearable the entire time.
“Don’t even get me started on the birth and breastfeeding . I never got used to it. It was agony for me from moment one until weaning, and I have internalized so much intense shame and guilt over that. And I just thought that I was a bad version of a human being because I didn’t feel this exquisite bliss the other women seem[ed] to feel when they breastfed.
“Emotional regulation is a big one.”
“How do you teach your children emotional regulation when you’re not very good at it yourself?”
“ I struggled with this intensely. And it is one of my greatest sources of shame and guilt surrounding my parenting journey. These issues caused me to be too intense and too angry with my children.”
“I really wish I had known about autism and ADHD rage. I really feel like that would have made a difference”
“We have a good relationship now, and they have forgiven me, but this is something I really wish was more widely known and understood. I think there are a lot of women who struggle with similar things, who are terrified to speak about it. I love my children more than life. And I would eagerly lay mine down for them, but I do believe they deserved a better mother.
“ My oldest daughter gave me my first grandbaby a year and a half ago, and watching them together is the most beautiful thing.”
“She is so relaxed, so calm, so confident. All the things I wasn’t, and I am so proud of her”
“ Anyway, I think that’s enough for now. I’ll try again with this if you guys want more, but, sorry, this has been so hard for me. I really appreciate you all.”
Watch the video here:
@toren_wolf I feel really frustrated that my Mom and so many like her were overlooked, and not given the care and support they deserved and needed.😞💔 It was really hard to get her to do this. I appreciate all of your suggestions, they really helped.❤️❤️❤️ (by the way- she is/was a great Mom.)❤️ * * * * * * * * #autism #adhd #audhd #actuallyautistic #genx ♬ original sound – Toren_Wolf
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