Look, adulting is hard but, at some point, you have to grow up and get on with it. Doesn’t mean you can’t keep the playful kid inside you alive, just do your laundry at least once a week, wash the dishes so you don’t get roaches, and, if you have kids, keep them alive.
One woman turned to an online community to vent after she finally decided to match her manchild husband’s lack of effort around the house, only to have him explode at her for it. Now, disabled, broke, and feeling trapped, she’s asking netizens for advice.
More info: Reddit
Marriage can feel like an epic adventure if everything goes according to plan but, if things turn sour, it can leave you feeling like a prisoner in your own home
Couple having tense conversation on couch, wife matching useless hubby’s energy, both showing frustration and distress.
One woman, 15 years deep into a marriage with kids, finally hit her limit with her husband’s blissfully ignorant approach to chores and childcare
Alt text: Frustrated wife matching useless hubby’s energy, desperate to escape marriage as he weaponizes her efforts.
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Woman matching useless hubby’s energy, feeling fed up while caring for child, desperate to escape marriage tension at home.
When he left her alone with the kids while she was having a panic attack, even after she’d asked him to watch them, she decided to switch tactics and match his energy
Text on a white background reading I repeated myself a couple of times and even asked if he understand and he just leaves, reflecting fed up wife matching useless hubby’s energy.
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Text describing gaslighting and weaponized incompetence in a troubled marriage where the wife tries to escape.
Couple in tense conversation at home, wife matching useless hubby’s energy, showing signs of frustration and distance.
Two weeks later she requested he look after the kids again, but he had a meltdown, so she sarcastically asked him if he expected her to do it
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Text discussing brain injury symptoms, difficulty holding a job, and nervousness about marriage tied to UK connections.
She found out later that he’d secretly recorded their interaction and played it to his therapist, who claimed she’s gaslighting him, so she turned to netizens for advice
After fifteen years of marriage , the original poster (OP) says her husband still treats basic life skills like advanced electives. Clearing dishes, checking shoes, watching kids? Apparently not muscle memory yet. Instead, he insists he’s “not used to it” and needs reminders and training wheels, while she’s out of spare energy and low on sanity, too.
Things escalated when he left her alone with the kids while she was in the middle of a panic attack, despite being asked to watch them. His defense? She didn’t specify a timeframe clearly enough. OP later went back to the baby monitor footage, confirming she explained, repeated herself, and checked for understanding.
So, she tried a radical experiment : matching his energy. When he stormed off needing “a minute,” she calmly asked if the expectation was that she watch the kids. To her horror, he exploded, angrily insisting she should’ve intuited that. Ironically, intuition suddenly mattered, just not when it involved childcare and chores.
What she didn’t expect, though, was betrayal with receipts. You see, her husband had secretly recorded their exchange, played part of the clip to his therapist, and was told OP’s gaslighting him. Now, disabled, broke, and awaiting benefits, she’s playing nice to survive, but quietly asking the internet for help finding a way out.
Over a decade into marriage (with kids!) and he still can’t find his big boy pants? No wonder OP’s had enough; she’s a victim of weaponized incompetence. But just what is that? And what’s the best way to deal? Let’s dive in.
Man in gray sweater lying on couch holding remote control, illustrating fed up wife and useless hubby energy conflict.
In an interview for Cosmopolitan , clinical psychologist Charlynn Ruan says, “Weaponized incompetence is a term that describes whenever someone in a relationship pretends they cannot perform a task they actually can do, or could easily learn to do, in order to avoid responsibility.” We’re looking at you, OP’s husband.
Here’s the thing: over time, weaponized incompetence can harm the growth of romantic relationships, says therapist and founder of Inner Atlas Therapy, Cassie Krajewski, LCSW. This unhealthy setup can prevent couples from operating as a team. And what’s a marriage without teamwork, right?
So, what can OP do? Well, the experts at Psychology Today say that, to tackle weaponized incompetence, both people should openly discuss the situation. It’s best to kick the conversation off with curiosity and non-judgment. Listen to each other’s perspective, then explore what may be at the root of the behavior.
Next, both people should work together to find a solution. Concrete to-do lists can help minimize vagueness about who’s responsible for what and when. Perhaps OP should make a gold star chart and stick it to the fridge, too?
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