There are many factors that dictate how a family manages its finances. One might have multiple incomes and be saving for a house, while another could be struggling with employment and focusing on paying off debt. The key is that everyone understand the situation and act in the household’s best interest. Or at the very least, they don’t sabotage each other.
However, as a recent story from the parenting forum Mumsnet shows, that’s not always the case. Last week, a user who goes by Marzipanface shared an emotional post, explaining why her husband’s actions around money have started to feel controlling and borderline manipulative. She asked people if they agreed or if they thought she was just being unreasonable.
Family holidays allow people to relax and create lasting memories with their loved ones
Family having breakfast together, highlighting wife and kids affected by husband’s passport affordability issue.
But this woman has gotten sick and tired of being homebound, and she blames her husband for it
Text excerpt about a husband saying wife and kids are not allowed passports due to affordability and family responsibilities.
Alt text: Text explaining inability to work outside home due to childcare, health condition, and financial constraints on passports.
Text excerpt about a stay-at-home mom with kids facing health issues and lack of family support handling life challenges.
Couple reviewing bills at kitchen table, showing concern about the cost of passports for wife and kids.
Text about lack of economic independence as wife and kids aren’t allowed to have passports due to costs.
Text about husband saying wife and kids aren’t allowed passports due to affordability despite inheritance request.
Text on a white background about not being able to afford passports for wife and kids to travel abroad on holiday or educational trips.
Woman looking distressed sitting at a table, reflecting the impact of wife and kids not allowed to have passports.
Text explaining children asking why they cannot travel abroad and the father saying they don’t have passports due to cost constraints
Text excerpt about a husband saying wife and kids aren’t allowed passports due to affordability struggles.
Text excerpt showing a husband saying wife and kids aren’t allowed to have passports because they can’t afford them.
Text showing frustration about not needing a passport as wife and kids aren’t allowed to have passports due to cost.
For better or worse, money plays a big role in many relationships
With more and more Americans feeling financially constrained, 23% of all couples are primarily staying in their current relationships due to financial dependency, according to a report by LendingTree.
“Marriage is a union of love, but it’s also an economic arrangement, and we don’t think about the money part until there are issues and problems,” said Stacy Francis, a certified financial planner and the president and CEO of Francis Financial in New York.
There can be varying degrees of financial entanglements. About 62% of couples who are married, in a civil partnership, or living together share at least one account, LendingTree discovered, and 41% completely combine funds.
The expert says there’s generally not a right or wrong way for couples to manage their assets, as long as they are on the same page.
But as a baseline, Francis recommends “having yours, mine, and ours,” so each person has their own money in addition to a joint account.
Numbers also support this approach: 58% of those who share at least one bank account claim they stayed together after a financial argument, compared to 47% of those who don’t have a shared account.
A controlling partner can harm us deeply
Some might even blame the author of the post for not “recognizing” her husband’s “true colors” earlier and marrying into such a controlling relationship.
However, Carol A. Lambert, MSW, who is a psychotherapist and domestic violence expert with three decades of clinical experience, says , “The initial period of falling in love is the beginning of a distorted reality one enters into when forming a relationship with an ‘unknown’ perpetrator.”
“This favorable, even exciting, stretch can last even a year or more. Slowly and subtly, coercive tactics will eventually be used by the perpetrator that can be easily overlooked, especially if you don’t know what to look for. Over time, one can get drawn in and overpowered by this type of intimate partner.”
As the relationship progresses, subtle coercive tactics give way to more obvious hurtful attacks such as critical remarks, unfulfilled promises, intimidating gestures, yelling, etc.
Ending things isn’t as easy as snapping your fingers, either. It takes approximately 7 attempts for a survivor to leave an abuser permanently, with false hope contributing to returning each time.
“False hope for the relationship always accompanies denial of the abuse that has taken place. When the abuse was acute, one [could] clearly feel how wrong, unfair, and outrageous the behavior was. But in the favorable shift, you can become ambivalent, rethink the episode, and might even be encouraged to own some part of your behavior that contributed to the abusive reaction,” Lambert adds.
“To unpack false hope, it’s critical to recognize and understand that your partner’s favorable behavior following their intense abuse is a manipulation to pull you back and reconcile. It’s critical to see this shift that instills hope as a manipulation.”
The psychotherapist said that being the recipient of abuse, especially coercion and psychological abuse, even without physical violence, causes PTSD. Whether or not this Mumsnet user is experiencing it, let’s hope she finds a way to escape the current limbo.
After reading the woman’s story, some people said she doesn’t deserve to go traveling
Text conversation about wife and kids not having passports due to husband saying they can’t afford them, discussing household contributions.
So, she provided more information on her predicament
Text from a user discussing the husband saying wife and kids aren’t allowed passports because they can’t afford them.
Text conversation discussing controlling behavior and difficulty managing kids alone, highlighting issues with passports for wife and kids.
Online conversation about husband saying wife and kids can’t have passports due to financial constraints and affordability issues.
Text discussing a wife’s bank account access and husband’s role in large financial decisions amid passport affordability issues.
Discussion about family financial struggles as wife and kids aren’t allowed to have passports due to cost concerns.
Forum discussion about husband saying wife and kids aren’t allowed passports due to financial constraints and stress managing family needs
Online forum exchange about wife and kids not allowed passports due to husband’s claim they can’t afford them.
Forum discussion about wife and kids not being allowed passports due to affordability and childcare challenges.
Comment discussing husband refusing to pay for passports, limiting wife and kids from traveling abroad due to financial control.
Text conversation about husband being financially restrictive and not allowing wife and kids passports due to affordability issues.
Conversation about husband restricting wife and kids from having passports due to financial control and affordability issues.
Forum conversation about husband saying wife and kids aren’t allowed passports due to financial constraints and trust issues.
The family conflict has received a lot of different reactions
Text explaining why passports are necessary for ID and employment, highlighting challenges for families with kids and additional needs.
Text excerpt discussing husband’s refusal to afford passports for wife and kids due to financial constraints.
Text excerpt discussing financial struggles of a husband explaining why wife and kids can’t have passports.
Text post on a forum discussing difficulty obtaining passports for wife and kids due to affordability and local passport office process.
Text post discussing passports and travel difficulties due to a husband’s control and financial constraints in the family.
Comment discussing family account access and the inability of wife and kids to get passports due to husband’s decision.
Comment advising to secure funds and work to escape financial control by stingy husband restricting passports for wife and kids.
Text excerpt discussing financial control over wife and kids passports and husband’s refusal citing affordability issues
Man explaining financial struggles related to obtaining passports for wife and kids due to affordability issues.
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Alt text: Husband says wife and kids aren’t allowed passports due to financial control and inability to afford them in a troubled marriage.
Comment discussing wife and kids not having passports due to husband controlling family finances and affordability issues.
Comment discussing husband saying wife and kids are not allowed passports due to affordability and control concerns online.
Comment discussing passport access being restricted by husband controlling finances, affecting wife and kids afford passports.
Comment discussing passport issue as a red herring and advising to contact Women’s Aid for marriage support.
Alt text: Husband says wife and kids aren’t allowed passports due to financial constraints and travel limitations in family life.
Comment mentioning husband saying wife and kids cannot have passports due to affordability, discussing child benefit and part-time work.
Comment discussing passports being useful but used as a control tool, related to wife and kids not having passports.
Comment discussing affordability of passports for wife and kids, highlighting cost as a barrier for family travel.
Text post discussing controlling husband and advice on gaining financial independence to address passport restrictions for wife and kids.
Text discussing a husband saying wife and kids aren’t allowed passports due to financial constraints and imbalance.
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