Being newly married often comes with the excitement of starting your own life and traditions as a couple. However, it can also bring unexpected challenges , especially when navigating relationships with in-laws.
Well-meaning relatives may have strong ideas about holidays, meals, and family routines, which can unintentionally conflict with the traditions you and your spouse want to create. Today’s Original Poster (OP) found herself in this position and wasn’t sure how to handle it.
More info: Reddit
Being newly married often comes with the excitement of building your own life and creating new traditions as a couple, but sometimes mothers-in-law have their own plans
Family holiday dinner with manipulative MIL using fake kindness to dominate daughter-in-law and control traditions.
The author planned simple holiday celebrations, but her mother-in-law gradually took over by bringing excessive food, directing the schedule, and imposing her own traditions
Text describing manipulative MIL using fake kindness to replace holiday traditions, frustrating the daughter-in-law.
Manipulative MIL uses fake kindness to slowly alter holiday traditions, overpowering daughter-in-law’s plans in small steps.
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Text explaining manipulative MIL using fake kindness to control DIL and ruin holiday traditions through strict rules and plans.
Woman holding pizza boxes outdoors, representing manipulative MIL using fake kindness to disrupt holiday traditions.
When the author and her husband tried to start a small tradition of making breakfast together on a holiday morning, the mother-in-law showed up uninvited and made breakfast
Text on white background describing manipulative MIL showing fake kindness by bringing groceries early to make breakfast.
Text excerpt highlighting manipulative MIL using fake kindness to undermine holiday traditions, upsetting DIL.
Text about manipulative MIL using fake kindness to steamroll DIL, ignoring requests and ruining holiday traditions.
Text excerpt about manipulative MIL using fake kindness causing holiday tradition conflicts with DIL and family tension.
Young woman setting holiday table decorations in a cozy room with a Christmas tree, showing fake kindness and manipulative behavior.
During a low-key dinner, the mother-in-law ignored the request to bring no extra food, but she showed up with multiple trays and later told the family that the author didn’t like her cooking
Text about manipulative MIL using fake kindness to steamroll DIL, causing dread and ruining holiday traditions.
Text about manipulative MIL using fake kindness to steamroll DIL and ruin holiday traditions requesting scripts for boundary stomping.
Text post asking for advice on getting husband to notice manipulative MIL’s fake kindness and ruined holiday traditions.
The author then realized these incidents were a consistent pattern of subtle control, leaving her frustrated, overwhelmed, and seeking calm ways to set boundaries without conflict
The OP noted that her mother-in-law doesn’t yell, rather she’s the sweet and helpful type which often makes it difficult to object her. The OP noticed that after she and her husband got married, her mother-in-law seemed to swap whatever they had planned with whatever suited her vision most
For example, on the OP’s and her husband’s first New Year’s together, she had planned a small dinner and a walk to watch fireworks. Her mother-in-law offered to bring appetizers but somehow ended up bringing enough food to feed a wedding , and also ended up pushing everyone out of the kitchen so she could make the food. And instead of the fireworks, she made everyone stay in and play games.
Next came the holiday breakfast tradition the OP and her husband wanted to start. The mother-in-law, somehow in the know, swooped in with groceries and a cheerful offer to make breakfast instead. The final straw, however, was a low-key dinner where the OP and her husband requested no extra dishes because of limited fridge space.
Predictably, the mother-in-law arrived with three trays anyway, insisting that it would have been rude not to bring anything. Later, she hinted to family that the OP didn’t like her cooking , causing the atmosphere to stiffen. The OP admitted that she had treated each incident as a one-off mistake, however, she now realized it was a consistent pattern that made her now dread holidays.
Woman looking upset at a dinner table with wine glasses and sushi, showing tension from manipulative MIL and holiday tradition conflict.
Research highlights why situations like the one with the mother-in-law can feel so confusing and emotionally charged. Wellbeing Counselling , highlights the phenomenon that is “covert boundary violations” which occur when someone subtly oversteps boundaries without overt aggression.
This dynamic can be particularly pronounced around food. America Magazine notes that meals in families are often more than just sustenance, rather they serve as tools for both connection and control. Early caregiving experiences tie food to expressions of love, security, or compliance, and practices like coercive control can create lasting emotional associations.
Navigating these challenges requires clear, respectful boundaries. Momwell emphasizes that setting boundaries maintains clarity and self-respect, especially when adjusting to new marital priorities with well-meaning relatives. Boundaries protect emotional space while still allowing positive interactions, ensuring that helpful gestures don’t override your plans or comfort.
Netizens emphasized that the root of the problem lies with her husband, with several noting that he needs to actively recognize and address his mother’s behavior. Others offered practical strategies like not sharing plans in advance. If you were in this situation, what would you say to reclaim your holiday plans without starting a fight? We would love to know your thoughts!
Netizens insisted that the author’s husband has to step up and support her, and also urged the author to stop telling the mother-in-law about their plans
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Text post with a quote about a husband needing to choose sides, illustrating manipulative MIL’s fake kindness overruling DIL’s holiday traditions.
Text post discussing manipulative MIL using fake kindness to control holiday traditions and steamroll daughter-in-law’s plans.
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